The R Word: Still Not Acceptable, Still Not Excusable
This post was originally titled “One More Time, With Feeling!” because I’m so tired of having this same conversation, but have it again we shall: Friends, enemies, and strangers, stop calling people “retard” or things or ideas “retarded” – now. I don’t care if “everyone says it.” I don’t care if you’re otherwise a progressive. I don’t care if you think playing around with it and using “fucktard” or any other clever “-tard” variation somehow makes it better. I don’t care if you “don’t mean it like that.” I don’t care if it’s a “hard habit to break.” Stop saying it. Now. You don’t get to complain about others’ sexist or racist or homophobic or speciesist or otherwise offensive language for as long as you’re saying it.
In the last week alone, I’ve heard or seen (and called out, when possible) multiple progressives for their flippant use of the word as a pejorative – from people who know people with developmental disabilities (who know people who’ve been hurt by the pejorative use of the words) to progressive bloggers who think it’s a catchy addition to a post title lamenting other forms of ignorance and hatefulness to supposedly aware comedians such as Jon Stewart who still think it’s hiiilaaarious to use it repeatedly to ridicule those they’re mocking.
Don’t give me some line about people being too sensitive or too “PC.” Don’t bitch [edit: I recognize that in spitting this post out, I may have made a poor word choice myself from the perspective of some] to me about how inconvenient or hard it is to change your language. Don’t give me any half-assed excuse about how you know it’s wrong, but… Just stop. If something is ridiculous or foolish or nonsensical or illogical, say that.*
Using “retard” or “retarded” as an insult hurts people. It marginalizes them. It disrespects them. It makes them feel small and ashamed and humiliated. And there isn’t a single valid excuse for it. Do you think you could rationalize it to the person with Down syndrome you turn around and see standing behind you after he has overheard you say it and has retreated and gone quiet in hurt and embarrassment? Yeah, I didn’t think so. And you know what? Saying it makes you look and sound like a damn fool to the rest of us too. And while we’re at it, this all goes for the mocking gestures and voices people like to make too — they’re every bit as offensive, every bit as inexcusable.
*And dear god, don’t replace it with “gay,” or you’ll force me to republish this post later, with edits. And none of us want that.
**BUT if you watch the McGinley PSA there, please also consider this commentary from Kelly, regarding what’s simultaneously so disappointing and problematic with the video’s message.
Stephanie Ernst
Marji
Kelly G.
Deb
Mary Martin
I completely agree, and I’m also one who will call people out on such uses of offensive language when I can (for example, is this article really the place to tell others not to “bitch” about how difficult it is to change language usage? The idea that bitching is somehow not associated with women or femininity and that the verb form is somehow different from the noun when applied inaccurately to humans troubles me.) Of course we all slip from time to time, but you’re right- that’s not an excuse, just an observation.
But does anyone sympathetic to this post have any tips for pointing out speciesist language? I’ve always had a hard time being taken seriously when I try to comment on how use of animal-related slurs is offensive.
Sorry, just realized that my comment was really off topic and side tracking from a discussion of ableism. Ignore me if you’d prefer the comments here to be a discussion of ableism.
Thanks for your comment, Angie. More later (right now, I’m iPhone-ing it in), but for now, thanks for raising the “bitch” issue. Believe it or not, immediately after publishing, I took a look at it with a raised eyebrow and second thought myself. Something I need to pause and think about.
hi Angie, i agree with your post and also would be interested in better ways to combat speciesist language. until such time though we have still to protest against it to the best of our own abilities.
I always say “that’s insulting to ___” or something. Like if someone calls cops pigs, I say that’s insulting to pigs.
I can also correct people like if someone says you’re chicken if you’re being a coward, I’ll say something like “chickens are much braver than that.”
People usually get it, but it’s light hearted enough to still allow them to insult the person they are insulting.
” I’ve always had a hard time being taken seriously when I try to comment on how use of animal-related slurs is offensive.”
YES! This happens most often when I see “green anarchists” using the word “pigs” to describe police.
Language *means* something , and the way we use it means something. The way we constantly deride animals by attributing their names (pig, dog, chicken) to a negative human attribute drives me crazy. I’m often told to “relax” or “get over it,” that I’m taking an issue too seriously, but I don’t understand how the way we communicate is unimportant. It is the basic way humans interact, how we draw conclusions about others and issues.
“Bitching” = when a righteous, kyriarchy-smashing broad opens up a can of whoop-ass – awesome in its snark and trenchancy – on a deserving tool. In other words, it is a thing of beauty. (Stephanie’s Nagasaki comment of last night most definitely qualifies.)
That’s my definition, anyhow :)
as a person who regularly receives criticism for challenging people who use the r-word and others, thank you for the article.
I have come up with creative ways to deal with folks saying “that’s gay” such as yelling “It’s not gay cuz bein gay is awesome!” loudly enough so surrounding folks can hear. Usually makes people laugh but also embarrasses them enough to say it less or not at all.
I haven’t figured out what to do with retarded. Maybe it’s because I don’t have a different mental (dis)ability in that way (though I am not neurotypical). I haven’t quite figured out what to say other than “Don’t say that, say this instead!”
I also correct people when they use animal slurs like calling cops pigs. I always say that’s insulting to pigs.
We in Pittsburgh are blessed with words like “JAGOFF” for personal insults which I use often. I also like douche, douchey, douche bag, etc. Since douches were created through capitalism to change anatomically female people’s bodies and make them embarrassed of them, it’s an excellent anti-patriarchal insult.
LOL! Thank you for this post. I admit to not being very up front about challenging people who use this word, but this has inspired me to do so.
“And dear god, don’t replace it with “gay,” or you’ll force me to republish this post later, with edits. And none of us want that.”
THANK YOU! I recently had an argument (on Facebook) with a girl who used the word gay to describe something icky, something she disliked. I was laughed at, told I was oversensitive, that it doesn’t mean she hates GAY people — and a ton of her friends joined in to defend her and I was just sort of astounded. When I tried to explain logically my issue with “gay” meaning icky or stupid, I was treated to another round of “you just don’t get it.” And more laughs.
Then as soon as I used the word “queer” in describing the whole LGBTQ movement — because it’s just easier for me to use — everyone was appalled. “Queer is such a harsh word.” And I hadn’t even used it pejoratively. Jeez.
Also thanks for the commentary on Jon Stewart. Don’t get me started on the overuse of the word “pussy” on cable “comedy” shows to describe weak men and idiots. rrrrrr.
God, we queers calling ourselves queer is different than someone saying “that’s gay” as an insult.
As for the pussy thing, I usually reply with “What’s wrong with pussy? I think it’s pretty awesome.” Since it’s usually hetero dudes saying it, they tend to back off.
“What’s wrong with pussy? I think it’s pretty awesome.”
heh, hard to do that when the hetero dudes are Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Joel McHale.
Yikes, I didn’t mean to do the LOL thing about the post in general. I had moved one of my paragraphs around and forgotten about the LOL thing at the beginning. I was amused by this: ” *And dear god, don’t replace it with “gay,” or you’ll force me to republish this post later, with edits. And none of us want that.”
I love this post.
Here’s what I usually do when people use language like this:
Them: “This book is so gay.”
Me: Your book likes other books of the same gender? (it’s light, it’s funny, it hopefully makes people think)
Them: “There was a dog there, and I picked it up.”
Me: “Picked ‘her’ up?” (more straight-forward, no joking involved, works better when you know the animal’s sex)
As for retarded, I don’t know how to address it. I usually don’t say anything. :/
For all of these situations, if you’re going to take the “serious response” road, I’d talk to them later, when you’re alone. Never in front of other people. I was recently joking about having one arm, and my brother called me out on it in front of my family. Instead of feeling thankful that I have a brother who makes me think, I felt angry at him for embarrassing me. An email later on, or an aside conversation – that will make all the difference.
There’s actually a post titled “Silence Is Not Neutral” coming up soon, and the matter of when to speak out openly in a group versus when it might be more effective to have a private conversation later is actually one of the issues I want to address. You’re one step ahead of me. :)
And though “retarded” is one of those words it may be difficult to find a halfway lighthearted way of correcting, I do think it warrants serious correction, as do some other offensive things people say/do, whether because they’re not thinking about it or because they’re trying to be funny. It can be hard/uncomfortable to point out the hurtfulness (or racism or sexism or whatever) of people’s remarks, but it’s necessary for change.
Them: “There was a dog there, and I picked it up.”
Me: “Picked ‘her’ up?” (more straight-forward, no joking involved, works better when you know the animal’s sex)
Or what about if they refer to the dog as “he” even if they know she is a female dog? (or referring to a male cat as “she”) To me that’s really the same as saying “it”, because it’s treating the animal as an inanimate object, and the male or female pronouns as a meaningless convention (like calling a ship “she”).
As a w-word m-word, I have a s-word feeling about the use of any i-word-ing words or terms. When we are truly c-word, we will cease to i-word each o-word. Many of my b-word friends (?f-word?) do occasionally use the n-word in referring to themselves (?t-word?) or others of their r-word. This always makes m-word uncomfortable. But, so does the j-word, the i-word, the other-i-word, the h-word, the a-, c-, v-, or t-word (which really gets tough when deciding what sort of restaurant to eat lunch at!). I even have problems these days telling others where my ancestors (?a-word?) came from, lest I insult some of my fellow i-word-men/women/persons.
It is tough.
Huh, speaking must be hard for you! :)
There are lots of words. Believe it. I grabbed a dictionary just to verify. THOUSANDS. Tens of thousands. Boggles the mind.
So I am relatively certain that folks, in their infinite wisdom and glory, can find alternatives to “retarded”.
Alternatively, they may choose to speak and write like you. Tough choice, indeed.