Their Faces Will Haunt Us
In the last several years, I’ve had a handful of moving experiences that have felt, in some way, spiritual, that have been filled with such emotion and either wonder or revelation that I’ve known instantly that I would carry the details of that moment with me always.
One of these came almost four years ago. Following her work conference in Orlando, my then-partner and I had driven down to Indian Shores for a weekend, near Tampa; it was my first time in Florida, my first time at the ocean really. When planning the trip, I set aside a day for the Suncoast Seabird Sanctuary down the beach from our villa, not knowing what to expect. And though we did visit the small sanctuary and the birds residing or rehabbing there, in large part from traumas inflicted by humans of course, our exit out the back of the sanctuary enclosure to the open beach was what stunned us.
Birds. Huge birds. Little birds. Resting birds. Preening birds. Flying birds. Kinds of birds I had never seen. Everywhere. It felt like stepping out into a magnificent other world. I sat in the sand not far from a couple of brown pelicans for a while to take in my surroundings and the stunning company, and I felt like my heart would explode.
We were mesmerized repeatedly that day and in days following, watching dozens of brown pelicans take to the sky in one abrupt and beautiful moment; laughing at egrets nonchalantly hanging around a bucket of beachgoers’ bait, waiting for the humans to stop paying attention; curiously observing smaller birds lined up perfectly as if awaiting entry to some all-important event. We wanted additional days just for sitting among those birds. We came home and placed framed photos of those birds in our living room.
Those are the images that have come to mind for the last four years whenever I’ve thought of the ocean, whenever I’ve thought back to that trip, whenever I’ve heard mention of brown pelicans.
Until last night.
Last night, I thought of pelicans and other birds, and I looked at pelicans and other birds close-up, and I cried. Not out of joy, but out of heartache and horror. You have quite possibly already seen the images. The link was being shared widely in animal circles yesterday. The images are simply and completely devastating. We did this. And this is just the beginning.
I haven’t been blogging lately or reading news or blog posts because I’ve been packing and moving and organizing and cleaning, both physically into another home across town and mentally and emotionally inside my head and heart. But I’ve been listening to public radio, day in and day out. And I am aware of what’s happening out there in the world outside my small personal existence. I’ve been taking it in. Needed aid ships being attacked and activists being gunned down on the ocean. Civilians being blown up like characters in a video game in Pakistan. Calves and cows being tortured, like they routinely are in countless farms, as omnivores shout about how horrible one dairy farm is while expressing relief that perpetrators will be punished and that their dairy is humane, and laws will make it all humane! Bees still vanishing, which is serious, serious, world-changing shit. And birds and fishes and other animals suffering, suffocating, and dying in fear and desperation as oil overtakes their world and their bodies and their young.
These are not sad times — these are devastating, terrifying, gut-wrenching, indescribable times. And my god, we did this. We did this. We did this.
Perhaps the magnitude of it all is part of what has sent me retreating deeper and deeper into myself and my own small world lately. My personal heartaches, my private fears and sorrows, my crises of confidence, my alone-in-a-crowd feelings as of late – I may not have a damn clue how to solve them either, but during a time when I have little time, focusing on things that are personally difficult has maybe seemed somehow more manageable than letting myself think too much on what seems globally insurmountable.
But once I’ve more fully settled into my new home, and my days return to something resembling normalcy-for-me, I know I need to redirect more attention back to the world out there and dig myself out of defeated cynicism. And I will say this to a category of the folks who are horrified by what they’ve been seeing and reading (e.g., folks who call themselves progressives but who think and behave as if voting for progressive political candidates a couple times a year is sufficient, while actually doing nothing even in the way of lifestyle changes and sacrifices, I’m talking to you): if you’re not doing something now to make a difference, if you’re not putting in at least some time and effort toward some cause larger than yourself, and making the daily life changes you can, you damn well better start. There is no place or time anymore (was there ever?) for people whose focus, energy, time, and money all go solely or primarily to the trivial, who think it’s their job to have fun and seek pleasure and buy whatever they want and do whatever they want and go wherever they want and party as much as they want while it’s other people’s job to fix the fucked-up planet on which they want to keep having fun — but while not being a downer and pointing out how their fun is contributing to the fucking up of the planet, of course. Look around, folks. None of us has the luxury of not caring, of not acting, of not changing anymore. Because we did all this.
Stephanie Ernst
Marji
Kelly G.
Deb
Mary Martin
For once, I don’t know what to say… All I know is the world is better for having you in it.
It hurts so much when we care so much about the innocent faces we love so much. Yes, many of us know just how you feel, Stephanie.
The only thing I can imagine that would be worse than caring and loving so much is NOT caring about and loving these innocent faces at all.
Somehow, I cling to the hope that our simple love for these graceful creatures is doing the world great good, even if that goodness is completely covered up by materiality and might-is-right, by superficiality and sensuality. And I think you agree, or else you would not be promising to dig out of what you call “defeated cynicism.”
Call me naive, but I trust that the pure, truthful, light-filled child-heart we were all created with never dies out, is stronger than steel, and DOES defeat every so-called power unlike it. it.
So well said. I will be sharing this with everyone I know. I agree with The Valley Vegan 100%. Thank you for sharing your voice, and being spot-on.
wow, i am also speechless. i have also been feeling helpless and haunted by the images of what we have done. i can’t understand why everyone around is not in a panic. but you’re right, it’s because we all feel someone else will take care of it, so no one does.
“if you’re not doing something now to make a difference, if you’re not putting in at least some time and effort toward some cause larger than yourself, …you damn well better start. Look around, folks. None of us has the luxury of not caring, of not acting, of not changing anymore. Because we did all this.”
just the words we all need to here. i now pick myself up from my little pile of tissues, and go out to seek situations where my skills will do the most good.
~wendy
http://conradvisionquest.wordpress.com/
Just like with factory farming…we live with 21rst century technology but minds that are still thinking in ancient ways. As if we were herding a cow or two near our village. Or that we are gathering firewood to burn…to keep our tribe warm. We are on a path of our own destruction. We have no way of mastering our own technology…as this oil leak demonstrates.
It’s going to happen that some man who is reading an ancient book and thinks by blowing himself and others up…. will receive 72 virgins…..but this man will have a nuclear weapon and like this oil leak we’ll not be able to stop it!!!
We must repress some horrors, even as we summon the courage to face other horrors. To do otherwise would be to be swamped, and without hope or joy.
Thank you for writing this. It’s so true.
Thank you. I know now I am not completely alone…
Weep for our relatives the animals but do not despair. Do not compromise. Do not surrender. Do not let bitterness take root, for it’s the path to apathy. Walk deeper into the heart and find your power again.
You have the heart of a warrior woman. You speak true, and the animals need your voice. The Earth is yet strong. Fight for her and all her children. May peace, beauty and truth find you, Stephanie.
Thanks Stephanie for expressing what any reasonable person should feel about the mess we’ve all created… Especially those living in the US. How can it be justified to make up a fifth of the planet, yet consume nearly a quarter of the oil? In the end we’re probably getting exactly what we deserve. So sad the innocent must suffer as well. :(
It seems that the world is truly becoming worse and maybe coming to an end…for us at least. But I don’t ever bring this topic up with people because then all the igmorant religious freaks wanna use it to try and prove that their religion is right. This is kinda off topic for this post but it’s what this post made me think of. How shallow of them, the world is ending and all they wanna do is tell you that their stupid holy book predicted it. Predicting the end of the world is not hard to do, because the world has to end eventually, but they’re too dumb to realize when something is simply a matter of common sense. I, too, predict that someday, the world will end. Oh, and then, when the world does come to an end, they will be preaching about how they were right all along, and completely forget about the infinite times that the world was predicted to end and they were WRONG!