Self-Care, Burnout, and Where I’ve Been

[Note: This is somewhat of a rambling personal post; feel free to skip it if those annoy you -- or to at least skip to the last few paragraphs.]

In the last couple weeks, I’ve been absent here, taking pattrice jones‘s advice regarding respecting our own animal rights, including our need to take care of ourselves and our loved ones, and allowing my fellow bloggers to keep this space updated. In mid-December, I jumped from the demoralizing and draining experience at The Previous Blog right into the task of creating, developing, and maintaining this space, immediately, without taking time to recover from that difficult ordeal. So when stress in multiple other areas of my life surged recently, and crises started threatening, I didn’t have the necessary mental and emotional reserves to deal with the onslaught; I’d expended everything on those last several months of perpetual frustration, heartache, and stress and hadn’t recharged.

So. I’ve been gone from here, as well as mostly quiet on other online fronts. I’ve read some others’ posts; I’ve watched too much mind-numbing television (enough to be totally ashamed, actually, knowing there are healthier uses of my time); I’ve caught up with a couple friends; I’ve pseudo-cleaned the house; I’ve spent absurd amounts of time searching online for a new place to live; I last weekend gave myself some time at a cafe to enjoy a rare meal I didn’t have to make and do a little writing; and I’ve spent a day with family. But mostly, I’ve just been trying to catch up with editing work, emerge from financial disaster, and navigate the rough waters of personal relationships, while fitting in these other things periodically in an effort to keep myself in one piece — because a Stephanie in multiple pieces? She’s a horribly depressing writer and a crappy advocate.

Activist, filmmaker, and friend James LaVeck  could see me wearing down a couple months ago and, with kind, affectionate concern, pointed out what pattrice also points out in her writings and talks — that to be effective advocates, we have to take care of ourselves, even if that means stepping back a little or making difficult choices about what forms our activism and alliances take, because we’ll be of little help to our fellow animals if we crash and burn. And he and pattrice are so very right. I think I waited a little too long to accept the inevitable and make my break from The Previous Blog at The Previous Site. By the time I did it, by the time I moved over to this much healthier space, too much hurt, bitterness, anger, and disappointment had taken over — and then there was the guilt and self-doubt too, guilt over what-could-have-been and self-doubt, blame, and disappointment over my inability to stop what was happening, to make myself and the implications of plans and policies heard and understood, to keep that space going as what it was originally supposed to be and what it had the incredible potential to be for animals and animal rights. Ultimately, I know that, both behind the scenes and on the blog itself, I did all I could and that staying would have meant compromising my ethics and self-respect, sacrificing my mental health, and being complicit in further marginalizing the animal rights movement. But failing — or what felt like failing — to save something I so believed in nevertheless hurt, tremendously. And trying to jump into something new so quickly, even something I was and am excited about, without ever fully dealing with my feelings about what had happened, didn’t work out so well (sounds like I could just as easily be talking about a romantic relationship gone wrong, doesn’t it?) and was part of what led to my recent on-the-edge-of-burnout absence from this space.

It’s terribly easy to slip into feeling guilty if and when you allow yourself a break from whatever it is you do to advocate for animals. When I first realized the other day that it had been two weeks since I’d written about animal issues here (my “Stop the Fight Against Factory Farming” post–holy comment thread, by the way!) – and almost two weeks since I’d written here at all — frustration and guilt quickly started building, but I worked to calm myself, to remind myself that there’s a reason I’ve been quiet and that writing and advocating can’t be something I force myself to do even when I’m stretched thin, rather than something I do out of sincerity and passion, if I want to remain effective and stay in this for the long haul. 

I’m going to try to ease back into this space in the coming days. I’m also going to work on finding balance in my life, and that includes trying to ensure that healthy self-care becomes and remains part of my schedule and priorities. And I hope that my fellow advocates who may be in stressful situations, in their activism and in their personal lives, will remember to do the same for themselves. There are people out there who will tell you that your form of activism isn’t good enough or in-your-face enough, or that any time you don’t spend on activism is time wasted and proof of your selfishness or non-commitment, or that what you’re feeling or going through in your life isn’t as terrible as what nonhuman animals (or other humans) are going through and thus doesn’t really matter, so you should just get over it, etc. And those people? They’re jerks. And it’s doubtful that they’re effective advocates themselves. Ignore them. When we don’t take care of ourselves, or when we remain so narrowly focused that we become closed off to (and, in some cringe-worthy cases, even hardened to) what’s going on outside the efforts and community of animal advocacy, this comes through in our efforts to advocate for animals — and not in a good, effective way.

Recommended Reading and Listening

From pattrice jones:

• “Fear of Feeling: Trauma and Recovery in the Animal Liberation Movement,” published in Satya in 2005
• “Nurturing Activism,” published at SuperWeed in 2007
• Aftershock — Confronting Trauma in a Violent World: A Guide for Activists and Their Allies, published by Lantern Books in 2007

Some listening from Animal Voices:

• “Avoiding Activist Burnout” from a 2004 show (I haven’t had time to listen to this myself yet, so it’s recommended for both you and me!)

From the WireTap Racial Justice blog:

• “5 Ways to Prevent Activist Burnout, Part 1″
• “5 Ways to Prevent Activist Burnout, Part 2″